I Still Stumble

stumblingConfession time.  I had a total meltdown the week before Christmas.  I cried all evening.  I woke up completely exhausted with my eyes so swollen I could barely see.  I took a half day to get my shit together.  I had not cried in several months.  My emotions reached a boiling point.  Weeks of stress from work, preparing for Christmas, and taking on too much at once took its toll on me.  Apparently working a demanding job full-time, starting a side hustle, writing a book, thinking about my biological clock ticking with my 40th birthday on the horizon, and managing a chronic illness was a little too much for me.  Go figure.  I was totally overwhelmed, had difficulty concentrating, and had a seriously short fuse.  I started slacking with my eating habits.  I wouldn’t eat enough during the day because of the stress then when it was time to relax, I would eat too much. I had trouble sleeping and started to feel fatigued because I was pushing myself too hard and trying to do everything perfectly.  When my perfectionism becomes obsessive, I start to feel exhausted and procrastination inevitably creeps in.  So basically I procrastinate then worry about all the shit I have to do.  It’s a vicious and super frustrating cycle.

After the cry-fest, I knew I had to make some changes.  I immediately asked my husband for help and intentionally started to slow down.  I limited my time on social media to cut down on distractions, began nightly yoga nidra meditations, and put my book on hold.  I did my best to focus on the present so I wouldn’t get caught up worrying about the future.  Luckily Chad’s schedule was starting to slow down and he helped me stay on track with the Christmas stuff and manage all the day-to-day things at home.  He helped me decide what to eat for dinner and went to the grocery with me.  If you deal with any type of depression or anxiety you know how overwhelming the grocery store can be.  It’s like the worst place to go.  Too many decisions and if you go without a list it can be a freaking nightmare.  There have been times when I desperately wanted to leave my cart half full and freaking bolt.

I somehow managed to get through ending the fiscal year at work while preparing for vacation with only cussing out one person on our sales team (I later called and apologized in my super sweet voice). Vacation could not have come at a better time.  Because I did what I needed to do to get control of myself, I was able to be present and thoroughly enjoy the holidays.  I had 12 wonderful days off and came back refreshed with a much better mood and outlook for the new year.  So there you have it, I still have my moments when this illness tries to knock me down.  I still stumble every now and then, but I’m much, much better at knowing what to do to stay standing.

 

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