Riding the Weight Rollercoaster

Right now I have 4 different sizes of clothing in my closet.  My moods sometimes make me feel like I’m on a rollercoaster and my weight follows.  All it takes is an episode of hypomania and I can lose 15 lbs in two weeks.  I’ll eat like crazy.  I’m ravenous.  My mind and body move so fast that I burn up the calories at an alarming rate.  When I landed in the hospital in 2009, I had lost 20 lbs in a month with no diet or exercise.  In my twenties I almost became addicted to it.  It made me feel good because I was constantly trying to lose weight.  It was a boost to an already elevated mood.  Hypomania is not always a high though.  There are times when it causes so much anxiety that I can hardly eat or drink.  I’m in a constant state of fear and I can barely sleep. I’ll get compliments on my weight.  I say thanks, but I really want to say I’m dying inside. It is rare that I get the super elevated mood.  Hypomania usually happens for me in the spring as soon as the weather breaks.  I truly believe that the seasons affect my disorder.

Then there’s the winter depressions where I pack on the pounds.  It is super frustrating. My energy is so low that I can’t get myself to exercise and it doesn’t help that I sit all day at work.  There have been days where I’ve taken less than 500 steps. I inevitably gain back all the weight that I’ve lost during the hypomania plus some.  This past winter was a tough one.  I put on at least 10 lbs and I’m still struggling to get rid of it.  I think the Deplin put the smack down on the mania so here I sit with a pooch.  It is definitely better than the alternative, but I have to admit that I miss the super highs and the benefits.

Then there are the meds that cause weight fluctuations.  When I left the hospital I was given Remeron which is an anti-depressant taken at night that makes you drowsy.  It also made me want nothing but sweets.  I ate chocolate peanut butter clusters and toast with honey for dinner several nights.  That is a really good way to pack on the pounds.  I’ve also been on the highest dose of Welbutrin which made me drop weight like crazy.  I spent most of my twenties on a high from Prozac where I could eat whatever I wanted and not gain an ounce.  It has been a struggle to change my eating habits to adapt to my mood and meds especially since I am an emotional eater, but I’m learning.

For now I’m trying to be content with my body no matter what size I am, not pay attention to the scale, and just focus simply on nutrition and my well-being.  I am truly thankful that I have been healthy since the spring and I will continue to work on maintaining my health.

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