Right now I have 4 different sizes of clothing in my closet. My moods sometimes make me feel like I’m on a rollercoaster and my weight follows. All it takes is an episode of hypomania and I can lose 15 lbs in two weeks. I’ll eat like crazy. I’m ravenous. My mind and body move so fast that I burn up the calories at an alarming rate. When I landed in the hospital in 2009, I had lost 20 lbs in a month with no diet or exercise. In my twenties I almost became addicted to it. It made me feel good because I was constantly trying to lose weight. It was a boost to an already elevated mood. Hypomania is not always a high though. There are times when it causes so much anxiety that I can hardly eat or drink. I’m in a constant state of fear and I can barely sleep. I’ll get compliments on my weight. I say thanks, but I really want to say I’m dying inside. It is rare that I get the super elevated mood. Hypomania usually happens for me in the spring as soon as the weather breaks. I truly believe that the seasons affect my disorder.
Then there’s the winter depressions where I pack on the pounds. It is super frustrating. My energy is so low that I can’t get myself to exercise and it doesn’t help that I sit all day at work. There have been days where I’ve taken less than 500 steps. I inevitably gain back all the weight that I’ve lost during the hypomania plus some. This past winter was a tough one. I put on at least 10 lbs and I’m still struggling to get rid of it. I think the Deplin put the smack down on the mania so here I sit with a pooch. It is definitely better than the alternative, but I have to admit that I miss the super highs and the benefits.
Then there are the meds that cause weight fluctuations. When I left the hospital I was given Remeron which is an anti-depressant taken at night that makes you drowsy. It also made me want nothing but sweets. I ate chocolate peanut butter clusters and toast with honey for dinner several nights. That is a really good way to pack on the pounds. I’ve also been on the highest dose of Welbutrin which made me drop weight like crazy. I spent most of my twenties on a high from Prozac where I could eat whatever I wanted and not gain an ounce. It has been a struggle to change my eating habits to adapt to my mood and meds especially since I am an emotional eater, but I’m learning.
For now I’m trying to be content with my body no matter what size I am, not pay attention to the scale, and just focus simply on nutrition and my well-being. I am truly thankful that I have been healthy since the spring and I will continue to work on maintaining my health.