So it has been almost eight months since I stopped psychotropic meds. I took a huge leap of faith tapering off medications under my psychiatrist’s supervision before we did IVF in July 2018. I worried about withdrawals, sleep disturbances, and mood regulation. After all I had been on them consistently for over five years. I thought they were my lifeline and couldn’t imagine functioning without them. Surprisingly, the process of stopping meds was a piece of cake and the past several months have been an eye-opening experience. In fact, it seems like a lot of the symptoms I was experiencing while taking these medications were actually induced by those same medications. Like seriously, WTF?
For instance, that nagging need to spend tons of money on shit I don’t need has virtually vanished. That my friends makes the hubs incredibly happy and helps the checking account balance substantially. Whoo hoo! It’s freeing not to need to run to the store to boost my endorphins and saves a lot of time as well. I recently Marie Kondo’d my closet and it blew my mind seeing clothes with the tags still attached that didn’t even match my style. Like bright green capris with a tropical green and blue shirt. I was obviously manic when I bought that shit.
And sleep, beautiful sleep! I haven’t slept this great in years. For years, I would have to adjust my work schedule a few times a month because I couldn’t get to sleep because I was anxious. Not worrying about anything in particular, just a experiencing a buzzing feeling in my body that was difficult to ignore. Often I had to take a Klonopin to calm my mind and body down to fall asleep. It was super frustrating to say the least. If I didn’t go into work late, I’d struggle to function through the day and wouldn’t accomplish anything when I got home. I’m happy to report I haven’t had one of those nights since. I now fall asleep easily and wake up not feeling zombified, relying on stimulants to feel alert.
And the panic, the dreadful panic that would show up out of nowhere and last for months that would make me feel stressed and in turn cause me to overwork myself and eventually burn out. It was a sneaky little shit though and somehow I didn’t even realize it was happening until it was over and I felt relief. It made me short-tempered and exhausted and it is no way to go through life. I was actually on the verge of going on disability last January because I just couldn’t go through another episode.
I still meet with my psychiatrist monthly and we’ve agreed to ride this out for as long as it lasts (fingers crossed). It’s important I check in with him often because I am not always aware when I start having a manic or depressive episode. My symptoms usually come on fast and often skew my perception of what’s really going on inside. I’m very good at faking it which complicates things. It’s a natural defense mechanism of mine and a very dangerous one. So I keep up with my appointment schedule and I take exceptional care of myself. I fuel my body with the best nutrition with some cheat days thrown in to keep me fulfilled and I abstain from alcohol. It has kept me grounded while my husband and I have dealt with an incredibly stressful life event these past two months. The fact that I’ve made it through without medical assistance is quite extraordinary and I am grateful.
***I’ve had success without meds, but that does not mean you should stop medications on your own. You should only do so while working with a medical professional.***
My illness has totally turned me into a creature of habit. Studies have shown that routines can ease Bipolar and I have found that to be true as well. I typically eat at the same time every day (5 times a day) which helps keep my blood sugar stable and in turn regulates my moods and energy. I try my best to go to sleep every night and wake every morning at the same time also. I’ve found planning my meals and snacks and having good sleep hygiene to be keys to managing my illness. If you aren’t on a good eating and sleeping routine, I suggest you work on that first and foremost. I also try to plan my work days by scheduling tasks on my calendar. I get what’s most important done first thing in the morning before my territory gets going and I also schedule weekly and monthly responsibilities to make sure I stay on track.
2018 has been a little bit of a rollercoaster so far. I started it off sick with a sinus infection which was annoying. I felt pretty rotten, but Chad would not let me cancel the little 40th birthday party he had planned. He is so freaking stubborn. I returned to work after 12 days off and it was quiet for a change. I was busy, but it wasn’t crazy hectic like it normally is. We had some bitterly cold days that had me wanting to stay in bed the whole day, but I didn’t. I never do. No matter how I am feeling, I get up and “get my day going” as Chad likes to say. For one thing Chad WILL NOT let me stay in bed. No way. Really though, even when I’ve been incredibly depressed, I have always pushed through. I always got up. I always went to work. I have a strong will, sometimes too strong. I have pushed through and continued on with things when I should have been taking care of myself. That’s what caused me to go into psychosis at work 8 years ago. I am getting much better at it, but I still rarely take a sick day. If I stay home sick, I still work basically all day. Anyway…I’ve been having a midlife crisis of sorts. Turning 40 triggered something in me. It has me reevaluating everything in my life. I mean EVERYTHING. It also triggered a mini Bipolar episode. I say mini because I caught it before it got out of control.
Confession time. I had a total meltdown the week before Christmas. I cried all evening. I woke up completely exhausted with my eyes so swollen I could barely see. I took a half day to get my shit together. I had not cried in several months. My emotions reached a boiling point. Weeks of stress from work, preparing for Christmas, and taking on too much at once took its toll on me. Apparently working a demanding job full-time, starting a side hustle, writing a book, thinking about my biological clock ticking with my 40th birthday on the horizon, and managing a chronic illness was a little too much for me. Go figure. I was totally overwhelmed, had difficulty concentrating, and had a seriously short fuse. I started slacking with my eating habits. I wouldn’t eat enough during the day because of the stress then when it was time to relax, I would eat too much. I had trouble sleeping and started to feel fatigued because I was pushing myself too hard and trying to do everything perfectly. When my perfectionism becomes obsessive, I start to feel exhausted and procrastination inevitably creeps in. So basically I procrastinate then worry about all the shit I have to do. It’s a vicious and super frustrating cycle.
Fatigue has been a real bitch for me. The kind of bitch that lingers on and won’t let go. It was the one symptom I couldn’t shake until recently. Fatigue from Bipolar can be debilitating. I’m not talking about being tired after a meal or a long day. I’m talking about complete exhaustion, bone-tired, total energy depletion. There were many days when I woke up feeling this way, but went to work anyway and pushed through. By the end of the day I could hardly make dinner or do the dishes. I’ve had to take vacation days and lie in bed for 24 hours when I pushed myself too hard. I’ve had to plan my weeks out knowing that I wouldn’t be able to do much of anything after a day at work. It was frustrating to say the least and my quality of life was seriously suffering. Through the years I’ve experimented in several different ways to find relief. The following are my 5 secret weapons to keep fatigue at bay.